laundry

You know how when we sort socks right after a load - we silently hope that every sock's paired? I find it odd, although not entirely surprising that i lose one sock every time i wash my clothes. One lonely pair always finds its way to the trash since it's pair lost its way - maybe in the garage, somewhere underneath my bed?

It makes me think, nonetheless - did i pair my socks well? The ones that are bundled together - in my drawers - were they the couples that were initially together? Did i just cause a breakup - did i dispose the happily partnered sock?

What makes me easily give up and dispose the other half, without looking for the other?

Crossroads

Here's my attempt to write a short story. Can't really say it's written well - haven't even thought about the end. I'm beginning to hesitate. I'm getting disappointed (sigh):

• By the crossroad where two buses chance on, two aged women stood on opposite sidewalks.
• At precisely 6:55 in the morning; same as the day before, and the eventful days before that - for years their fragile minds can remember, they meet up at the same byroad.
• “Elisa would always wear those beige second-skins,” pointing at the other lady across the street. “Regardless the weather, she’d say it always gave her good luck – and that it matched her skin tone.”
• Winter has never been generous to the ladies. The years have been polite enough to reprimand them from getting up early in the morning – encouraging them to appreciate sleep better. Relentless, both women rose from their comfortable beds as if required, grab their coats, slowly shoulder their bags and walk towards the stop.
• “The wind blew harder today,” trying to contain her bun “lucky, I wore my nylons to keep me warm.” Her cheeks peachy, her glove-covered hands arctic – she waved to the lady on the opposite side “Felisa! Yours just left.” Then she laughed.
• Elisa had been a social worker all her life. She started doing volunteer work at an early age – always wanting to reach out. She was raised by her grandmother Carmen who passed away months after she got her first real job. Elisa had always missed her Mama.
• Felisa reached for the stars all her life; always the dreamer, never satisfied with her accomplishments. She was contracted as a messenger during her first summer in secondary school. "She called herself the director for first impressions," her Nana would remember. "Always the one with the important job."
• "Felisa always worries," smirks Elisa. "She gets frustrated when she misses her bus. Ha! No point running after it, really," she sighs "you'd realize that the first bus stressed you out, you're not even late to begin with - it just wasn't your time yet."
• "Elisa can be fun," says Felisa. "Well, she looks funny," laughing.
• Elisa was brought up with the realization that life is hard. She burdened herself with her life's daily struggles, always accepting - thinking that her challenges were ordeals that kept her strong. "She gave up leisure so that she can have leisure," Felisa sympathizes. "Her family was just too dependent on her."
• "I see that you're wearing your hair down today, Fely"
• "It's Thursday, remember?" Felisa would shout back, "Weekly meeting," she'd giggle.

(to be continued..)

Letter to Monette

Dearest Monette:

You know how in banking, team members are fond of saying the phrase “credits first before debits?” Bankers and Tellers are unconsciously trained to educate customers about the wondrous conveniences in having an account. Straightforwardly, the bank keeps its promise, and funds are provided to cover most of our customer’s initial debits (most of the time, when they least expect it).

Generally speaking, life is similar.

You were primarily assigned to Westlake for a reason – to provide credit. For the months that you have been with this jovial team, you have covered and/or funded substantial debits that have changed perspectives, unnecessary retractions and even unanticipated greatness that were once foreseen insufficient.

The Team’s now prepared for any unexpected withdrawals.

Ten months is so short a time – just when I have come to enjoy your company, to know your little idiosyncrasies and eventually love you – the inevitable happened.. your new Store. Although it pains me to think that we may no longer work as close together, I know that what you’re going to do and where you’re going are far more important than my sadness in watching you leave.

I am truly blessed to be your colleague. You brought out the best in me and I hope I did the same to you. I will miss our crazy jokes and our carefree laughter and of course, some of our tears. I must say that you were the only Manager in our Market that gave no problem to your service manager. You were very good as my partner, my confidant and believe it or not, my mentor and for that I thank you.

We will continue your legacy. We may be losing a great ingredient in our catastrophic concoction of excellence – know that you have embedded in us a premise. Comparable to banking when the largest check gets paid first, leaving the smaller ones unsettled – we’d find means to cover and take care of the lesser payables. You have taught us well; our own voyage wont be as perilous anymore.

I fervently hope that you wont forget that at one point in your life, you have been ‘unfortunately’ blessed with a caring, loving and good-humored team who have touched you one way or the other, and you have been given a co-manager who only wanted what’s best for you.

Good luck, Moe!
I’ll always be around.

Quibbling

Escaping the real has always seemed to prove easy and less provocative; the mental-blocking of past realities, to give profound reasons to my current lifestyle - achievable, yet not so gratifying.

I would've easily affirmed that i am living my ideality - fallacy. I am in no position to confirm happiness, nor satisfaction: life has been in cruise-control ever since the great move. I have lost more than what i have been telling myself i gained. I am being regretful, only because the deliverance wasn't brilliantly thought. My current state is the aftermath of my past neglect and greed.

I should be happy - fallacy. I have created a web of beatitude (delirium, rather) - layers of false pretenses to help me cope with my every day living. I am struggling with the shambles of the past; my memories are all molded - i am living a prolonged dramatization of reprehension.

I have a plan - lie. If there's anything that i can be proud of, still - hopefulness. I have been waiting for the initial domino to trip. I am in no good condition to experience another avoidance, nor an unprepared lifestyle. I have suffered my own snowballing, i have lost too much. Neglect has been a regular trait - I am neither accepting nor proud.

I am sincerely distressed and/or apologetic - fact.

The past can not be rewritten, nor can be easily explained. I am in no capacity to create, or even try to, reasoning. I will forever suffer the consequences of my actions. Know that i am very thankful for all the contributions you (and you) have implanted in me - i will forever be grateful. Gone are the jovial days, and the happy Saturdays; the real has now shed the colors off me.

bunso - certain.

The Wisdom of Ana

Every Wednesdays around two in the afternoon, my friend Ana would drop by with coffee. I have learned to hold my need for caffein during these days since i know i'd be treated with one eventually anyway. I have known Ana for a few months now, and I always look forward to our Wednesday rituals together. My very own Wednesdays with Ana! 

Ana is a babysitter extraordinaire; A well-recommended-evolved-version of the 'nanny.' She has been a sitter for quite a while now. She has been with numerous families who kept on passing her within the kin, recommending her to friends and acquiring high profile (rich) clients. We would start our meetings with me watching the current kid(s) while she gets the coffee. We would talk about her then-family and compare them with our lives. 

"The sofa tells me how i would charge them for my services" - Ana

This week's lecture was from a fable she read while keeping one of her kids busy. It was the myth on Camels and how they were created. I listened while she told the story with glee: hands were everywhere, her eyes bulging at every remarkable transformation - i feel lucky that i don't get charged for her storytelling services.

It all started when the Horse, the most prestigious creation Zeus has ever made for the animal kingdom, approached its creator one afternoon. It basically requested for an upgrade. Regardless the fact that it was envied by the rest of the animals, the Horse still wanted more. The Horse being the most loved and celebrated creature envied the Lion's muscles (to defeat predators), it envied the giraffe's long neck (to see over everything else) and it envied the great Bear's warm furry coat. 

"tadah, the Camel!" - Ana

Of course the Horse hated it's could-be-upgrade and settled for its current appearance. Zeus kept the Camel to forever remind the Horse of its once ambitious self-centered greediness. Funny how nowadays it seemed to be the other way around. Camels want to go thru the upgrade and become Horses. Although, in the fable - the Camel probably was happy with its outcome and never really wanted anything else. I don't want to be profound by saying that we are all Horses and Camels, i do admit, though, that I'm mostly the Camel wanting the upgrade. Could Unicorns be the gays - the crossbreed between the two?

"It's normal to be a Horse: wanting change, wanting betterment. It's not bad being the Camel: nonchalant and contended." - Ana

As long as you keep your insecurities to yourself and mind your own business. As long as you don't influence others' feelings and points of view. As long as no one is hurt - you can be the Horse, i really don't care. 

The Law of Diminishing Returns

Although slightly drunk, i thought my conversation with Mira last night was worth every hiccup and headache. i woke up with a smile and a realization that, although regretful in some measurement, i did good: in love, in life and where i am right now. i can't really say i am, what was that Mike? - happy, but i surely can pat my own back and understand that i have grown and i have had a good journey all these years.

The law of diminishing returns states that as equal quantities of one variable are increased, while other factor inputs remain constant, ceteris paribus, a point is reached beyond which the addition of one more unit of the variable factor will result in a diminishing rate of return and the marginal physical product will fall. i have never really enjoyed Economics then, i even had to take the damned course twice, but this particular law does make sense. Now correct me if i am wrong, my understanding is that, the more a person consumes a product, the lesser the satisfaction he gets in return. That probably explains why my emotions were beyond disinterest when i had to take Economics for the second time. 

Reasonably, my points of view are in accordance to my self in general. I may have altered some facts that may give justice to the more profound meaning of the law - i apologize. I am chauvinistic; i magnify life's simplicity, a blind enthusiasm in approaching reality and i am very biased to what would please me. 

It's not a surprise that i am once again single (funny, i was never in a relationship anyway).  i can say that i have honestly surpassed the stage of bitterness and mourning months before i decided to call it quits. i have put my life on hold for a regretful amount of time and i have decided to make changes that are more eventful. Although the law may be forced to explain my decision making, it made me realize what i am worth and what i truly need and want in a partner and a relationship. It may be unfair for me to say that my feelings have expired and/or, as the law would say, there is contrast to the increase that would otherwise be expected - i ask myself, have i simply lost interest? Since emotions are imprecise, i'd like to be categorical by saying I have familiarized myself with what he can produce - i am no longer appeased.

My lead once quoted me during a company meeting while he was addressing the lower constituents, saying "I'd rather that you hate me and become successful." i smiled, he continued "in the future you'd look back and understand why i was mean to you back then." I have reached my Miranda level at work (i have been inspired by amazing people). I may be the most difficult person to work with, what i know for sure is that everything i do has a reason, a purpose and a consequence. I am where i am now because i know my capacity and my weaknesses. The law is best expressed here: I have mastered my skill. I need new challenges. My expectations no longer meet what i am given to work with. My end results have been the same, consistent. Galadriel once said, "I have passed the test, i will diminish and go to the West, and remain Galadriel." My time is now.

Maybe i am using the economic rule to justify the changes that i want to happen in my life? Maybe i am giving reason to a frustration that i can't admit to myself wholeheartedly? Maybe i need reason to back me up? Maybe.  

What i know for sure is that i am determined. Aside for my two week plan that has been slightly discriminated (chot!), i have my yellow brick road commenced. I am ready.