Escaping the real has always seemed to prove easy and less provocative; the mental-blocking of past realities, to give profound reasons to my current lifestyle - achievable, yet not so gratifying.
I would've easily affirmed that i am living my ideality - fallacy. I am in no position to confirm happiness, nor satisfaction: life has been in cruise-control ever since the great move. I have lost more than what i have been telling myself i gained. I am being regretful, only because the deliverance wasn't brilliantly thought. My current state is the aftermath of my past neglect and greed.
I should be happy - fallacy. I have created a web of beatitude (delirium, rather) - layers of false pretenses to help me cope with my every day living. I am struggling with the shambles of the past; my memories are all molded - i am living a prolonged dramatization of reprehension.
I have a plan - lie. If there's anything that i can be proud of, still - hopefulness. I have been waiting for the initial domino to trip. I am in no good condition to experience another avoidance, nor an unprepared lifestyle. I have suffered my own snowballing, i have lost too much. Neglect has been a regular trait - I am neither accepting nor proud.
I am sincerely distressed and/or apologetic - fact.
The past can not be rewritten, nor can be easily explained. I am in no capacity to create, or even try to, reasoning. I will forever suffer the consequences of my actions. Know that i am very thankful for all the contributions you (and you) have implanted in me - i will forever be grateful. Gone are the jovial days, and the happy Saturdays; the real has now shed the colors off me.
bunso - certain.
